yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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