My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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