I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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