remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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