WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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