how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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