That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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