I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
