Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
