The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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