If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
