I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
