Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
two words: eviction party
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
