So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
