i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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