I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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