it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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