It's like a parade of train wrecks.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
