my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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