i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
