i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
