I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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