Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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