I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
