I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
this hospital has no fireball
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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