No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
