My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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