I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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