i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I need moral support for this bender
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
