I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
