3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
