He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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