then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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