You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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