was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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