How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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