dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
