I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
