So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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