Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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