I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
