I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
