I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
