i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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