and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
