Im at strip club and am horny
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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