I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
