there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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