Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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