things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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