I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
